Celebrating Two Years of Sobriety

What Drugs and Alcohol Gave me VS What Sobriety Has Given Me

First of all I would like to welcome you to my blog the part of my website where I will get deep sometimes, give my point of view on certain matters, and hopefully inspire you with my words of wisdom and travel photos :) this is a place for everyone and I want you all to know that this isn’t about me blowing my own trumpet, the whole purpose of this is to help people, educate people and make people aware of very significant issues that effect so many people on a day to day basis.

So today marks the launch of my new business. But it also marks my second sobriety birthday. A birthday that I feel is probably worth celebrating more than any other birthday, purely for the reason that I didn’t think I would ever make it this far without some form of substance in my body. It is a miracle for sure.

Towards the end of my using days and drinking career I really hated what I was doing but no matter how much I wanted to stop, I just couldn’t, the consequences of my using were getting worse, my mental health was deteriorating rapidly along with my physical health. I knew what I was doing was destroying me and my whole life around me, eventually it got to the point where I just didn’t want to be on this planet any longer. But I knew deep down that I had so much more potential than the life that I was living and I didn’t really want to die I just had no idea how to live.

I believe there is a massive difference between being alive and living. I can truly say now that after years and years of just living, I am now truly alive, and that is the beauty of recovery, because even when life throws me curveballs, I am able to be self aware, and be able to feel all of my emotions without running away from them and masking them with drugs and alcohol. I am able to just be and sit with myself and be comfortable with the person that I am today. I believe that true freedom comes from within, and once you have set yourself free from fear and stop comparing yourself with others, that is when you become alive and present in the now.

From a young age I used alcohol or weed to help me manage my emotions and give me confidence so I could become this person that I always dreamed of being. As soon as I drank I lost my inhibitions and felt so free to finally be me, I could be the life and soul of the party, be confident and sexy, be the girl that I thought everyone wanted and my anxiety would just disappear, but gradually over time it started to do the opposite, I became the person that no one really wanted to drink with and have to be responsible for, I became aggressive, and the more I drank the more it took away from me and turned me into a person that I didn’t even recognise. I was doing things that were completely out of character, trying new drugs and getting addicted to them, lying to pretty much everyone around me, and bit by bit it took away my freedom, my confidence, myself esteem and my mental health completely.

There was a line that I crossed unknowingly at the time and once I crossed it the enjoyment of drugs and alcohol was completely taken away. For at least two years of my life I questioned myself and if I had a problem because deep down, I knew I did. I just didn’t know how to live without drink and drugs. It seemed so alien to do and quite honestly impossible, especially when you’re in a society that is fuelled by alcohol sales and recreational drug use is normalised to the point people are doing lines every time they pop to the pub for a pint.

Fast forward two years and I have now created a life that’s fulfilling, my relationships with my friends and family are stronger than they have ever been and the love and warmth that I get from my loved ones is incredible. I connect with people so much better. I have healthy boundaries, I can finally see who I should give my energy too and who I shouldn’t and every experience and memory created is one that I am fully present in and will remember forever. I now have more money because Im not spending it on alcohol and going out on pointless random nights, I have time to enjoy my hobbies and I can now travel and leave the country without being an anxious paranoid wreck. I have finally found the confidence to play football again and be part of a team. For those who have known me for a long time, know how addicted to football I was when I was little. All of these things I have gained in my life because I am sober and because I have worked hard in every aspect of my life.

When I reflect back over the past 5 years and the chaos that my life was and the person that I was, the transformation to today is crazy. I was just a broken, lost girl with lots of unhealed trauma, not having a clue what I was doing just trying to do life the best way I knew how with zero tools in my tool box. I can finally say that today I am the woman that I always dreamt of being, and I am proud of myself. Just being able to say that is progress. I know I’m not perfect and I never will be because no-one is. If I strive for perfection I am always going to be un-satisfied but at least I can say that there never has been a day where I’ve stopped trying or striving to be the best version of me.

Shout out to everyone who has been on this journey with me and supported me, encouraged me and loved me in my darkest moments and in my brightest moments. The opposite to addiction really is connection and I and many others are living proof of that.

Tonight is the night of my first sober event and I really hope we can make it a night to remember.