One Month Down Under

So, I’ve officially been in Australia for just over a month, just slighly longer and honestly, I still feel like I’m adjusting. I know in the grand scheme of things, one month isn’t that long, but settling into a whole new way of life always takes a bit more time than I expect.

Van life in the Aussie winter? It's a vibe… but also a bit of a challenge. I totally forgot how early it gets dark and how cold it gets as soon as the sun goes down. I’ve been feeling a little frustrated that I haven’t found my rhythm yet, no real routine, just floating a bit. I keep telling myself that will probably change once I get a job, but for now, it’s a bit of a mental tug-of-war.

There’s this underlying guilt I’ve been carrying for not doing “enough.” That pressure to always be productive, to prove I have purpose, it’s wired into me. Some days I wish I could switch it off, and other days I’m weirdly grateful for it because it stops me from getting stuck in a rut for too long.

That said, I am really enjoying being back in what I’ve always considered my second home. Catching up with old friends has been grounding, and there’s something so special about reconnecting with people who know you from a different chapter of life.

It’s also weird though, having so many places and people that feel like “home” and realising you can’t be everywhere at once. There’s this constant low-level FOMO, like I’m always missing out on something or someone, no matter where I am.

Van life has definitely felt a bit isolating at times… but, truthfully, so did staying in a hotel in the middle of Sydney. I’ve noticed how much I used to rely on alcohol to help me meet people and feel confident when travelling. Now that I don’t drink, I’ve had to get more comfortable with being on my own. And to be honest, I actually like it. I’m learning to sit with myself instead of trying to escape. Though I have caught myself chatting to the wildlife a bit too much lately… so maybe I’m losing it just a little.

I’ve also realised how much I crave excitement and dopamine hits. Life has felt pretty balanced since I arrived, which is great, but I do sometimes miss the emotional highs and the chaos (weird, I know). And I’d be lying if I said I don’t compare myself to others my age and question where I’m at and what I am actually doing with my life, which sometimes leads me in to a spiral and a pity-party.

So far, I’ve done quite a bit: I spent just under a week in Sydney accidentally on one of the liveliest streets, classic me. Had lunch by the Opera House with a mate, attempted surfing at the Wave Centre (can confirm I’ve lost all my skills), and took a day trip to Manly, which is still one of my favourite spots. I went up to Newport to visit a friend and had a moment pretending I was on Home and Away, standard.

After picking up my van, I headed up the coast to see my favourite Yorkshire person and made a new little friend. Since then, I’ve been to a wedding, met some new Aussies mainly of the older generation, fallen in love with my new favourite dog Henry, and spent some quality time with my Aussie mum. I also discovered Yamba, a place I’d never been to before and now can’t wait to go back to. I also met up with another friend that helped me out back in my first year and it was lovely too catch up.

There’s been a lot to be grateful for. I’m lucky to have such a strong support network, even on the other side of the world. I know I’m surrounded by people who genuinely care about me and just want me to be happy. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss home. And I didn’t expect to miss it this much.

What I underestimated most was how hard it would be to start over. Back home, I’ve built something, people know me, understand how I work, and know what I’m capable of. Here, I’m starting from scratch and I constantly feel like I have to prove myself. And that’s scary. The fear of rejection still runs deep and messes with my confidence, which feels a bit shaken lately. But I know it’s still in me somewhere, and when I find the right place and flow, it’ll come back.

I think I also overlooked how important my recovery network is back home. There’s real comfort in being around people who just get how your brain works and live life through a similar lens. I didn’t realise how much I leaned on that until now.

So yeah one month down. Some highs, some lows, and a whole lot of growth I probably won’t even fully see until I look back one day. But I’m here, I’m sober, and I’m figuring it out and I am just about to embark on a road trip of a lifetime for my birthday!! Let's go!

Thanks for being here with me 💛